Diary Of A Ringwraith
by Bronze Warlock
Summary: From the Shire to The Ford, from a Nazgul's perspective...it ain't easy being evil.
1. Chapter 1

**NOTE** I don't own anything here, character-wise. Names were taken from the Card game.

**VERY IMPORTANT NOTE** This is based on the original books, as well as Unfinished Tales, with little or no relevance to the movies, which just made me angry. If that bothers you, or you've never READ them, you should probably go read something else.

**Diary of a Ringwraith**

***

June 3, 3018

Weather deceptively nasty. Mordor sucks. Ash from LIVE FREAKING VOLCANO down the block irritates my allergies, evil laugh sounds like wheezing warg. No time to take pills, as Boss summons the Nine, no exceptions.

Instructions from Boss are straight and to the point, as always: Find Baggins, Find Ring, Bring both home. Don't know why Boss trusts an Icky Midget for accurate information, but I don't ask questions. Baggins can be found in a place called Shire, West of Mountains.

Lot of help, that last bit, as the Mountains in question only sit in the middle of the map. Also not allowed to take the flying monsters, as they're not done hatching yet. Also ordered to keep armor hidden if possible. The ride will be long, as we're still on the other side of the stupid river. Horses and cloaks it is.

Still, it beats staying here.

Mood: Not Happy.

***

July 15, 3018

Half-way through Rohan. Road trip going well so far. Roads clear whenever we pass. Secrecy shot to hell after first night outside Mordor. Considering possibility of being TOO creepy.

(Note to self: Smack Uvatha for humming theme from "Rawhide" as we ride.)

Orcs happy they got to play, as they took on Gondor Border Patrol to hide the fact that WE were crossing. Apparently they think GBP was scared of them. Orcs aren't too bright. But they get the job done, and they're cheap to feed. Now if we could just train them to use the litterbox...

Ran across Weasley Human in AM yesterday. Works for Sneaky Wizard south of Mountains, who spends most of his time picking on trees and Horse-masters. Angmar and Kahzum ask nicely for information (they only used the little swords), and WH starts to spill. Directions, plots, a menu plan, you name it.

Four of our number are sent to ride ahead to start scouting for Shire, and divert attention of Elves so we can get by. Angmar informs WH he's just switched employers, and we leave to check out Sneaky Wizard.

Mood: Bored

***

July 17, 3018

Arrive at Sneaky Wizard's Castle. Like what he's done with the place: Gothic, but still rather quaint. Clearly planning something, as Orcs in the area try to act casual as we approach. Their ability to hide ladders and catapults will improve with practice.

Sneaky Wizard isn't much help, to nobody's surprise. Get the impression he wants the Ring, too. Mention suspicions to Angmar, but get shushed. Haven't been shushed in 1500 years.

Mood: Not Happy

***

September 22, 3018

Land of mouthy midgets located, slightly west of location given by Boss. Icky Midget clearly hasn't been to the old neighborhood in a while. Angmar pleased to be back near old stomping grounds, but equally useless in navigating area. Amazing how landmarks change in 1000 years (sarcasm abilities still effective, though.)

Security not what it could be here. 9 armed horsemen riding down the road, not one single soldier seen. Starting to think midgets are dumber than orcs.

Mood: Smug.

***

September 26, 3018

Asking every midget in sight about "Baggins" probably not a good idea. Even dimwits like these will probably put 2 and 2 together. Of course, questioning complicated by lack of first name. Some say Baggins is still in "Hobbit-town", other say he left years ago after a birthday party. Offers of gold not as effective as on humans. More interested in ale and "pipe-weed". Suspect whole region of involvement in drug trade. After exposure to second-hand smoke from three different residents, I have the giggles and the munchies.

Mood: Hungry.

***

September 28, 3018

Now have huge headache from all the pipe-weed. Dwar swears he smelled something like the Ring on one of his scout runs. Has been warned about doing the sniffing thing around here, as pipe-weed may have hallucinogenic properties. As a result, Dwar is currently propped against a tree, muttering "Precious" and snickering every five minutes. Ren makes a trip out from camp, and claims he found them, but a bunch of elves scared him off. Great, mighty servants of the Dark Lord, scared of a bunch of flitting window-dressers. Hope the Orcs never hear about this.

Locate Baggins' new house in late evening. Chubby Midget seen running like he's late for Mother's home-cooking, but no one feels like chasing him. Pretty sure Ring is not here, but we check for clues as to direction. Horns start blowing from somewhere, and as we're pretty sure it's not the local community band rehearsal, we leave. Keep bumping head on the roof, anyway.

Mood: Annoyed.

***

September 29, 3018

Decide Baggins is headed for Bree, and dumb enough to go through Forest to do it. Presence of Psychotic Trees and Dirty Hippy noted. (Angmar also mentions haunted Barrows. May come back for a vacation.) Five of us head to Bree, and the other four go to watch the road in case they make a break for it.

Arrive outside Bree in early PM. Find nastiest man in town, and enlist him to keep watch for us. Not sure he's not descended from Troll stock, but he takes money anyway.

(Note: effects of Pipe-weed are finally wearing off. Can now stop eating everything in sight.)

Mood: Stuffed.

***

September 30, 3018

Busy night. Troll-boy reports that party of Midgets arrives in PM, armed and dressed like Dirty Hippy. Get rooms at local inn, and proceed to put on a song-and-dance number. We've found our boy.

Catch stray Midget outside talking to trees. Ren burps (damn pipe-weed munchies), and breath knocks Midget out like a…well, he hits the ground pretty hard. Berate Ren as Inn Flunkies find Midget, and bring him inside. They'll know we're here in minutes. Decide Ren's a moron.

Forced to speed up plans, and raid inn. Doing a great job sneaking and stabbing, before we realize we're murdering pillows. Can't believe we fell for such a stupid trick. Glad that boot armor doesn't have shoelaces. Decide to head out, and set up a surprise attack. Hill the locals call Weathertop is prime spot.

Mood: Not Happy.

***

October 3, 3018

So much for Prime Spot. Run across Wizard, and fight ensues. Turns out Wizard is a Pyromaniac in disguise, as he throws fireballs everywhere, yelling "Fire! Fire! " and giving a nasal laugh. Then he calls us "dill-holes" and "fart-knockers," and throws more fireballs. We retreat, and get spare cloaks from our packs to replace the ones Pyro torched. We'll try again when the Flamer's gone.

Mood: Not Happy, and Medium Rare.

***

October 6, 3018

Caught up to Midgets at last…and he's got friends. Great. Decide to kill them all and take Ring. Four midgets and a Ranger. One for each of us.

One of the midgets suddenly becomes easier to see. We all move forward, but Angmar decides he wants to go one-one-one. Think about mocking him for taking on the big bad Midget, but decide to watch. Angmar side-steps a weak swipe, and stabs him in the shoulder with his Mordor Special.

We're all set to grab him, when Ranger runs up, waving fire at us. Not really in the mood for another barbecue, so we split, knowing it's just a matter of time.

Mood: Accomplished.

***

October 14, 3018

Chasing injured Midgets shouldn't be this hard. They've gone off into the forest somewhere, so we get to wait.

Get report from Hoarmurath: Elf-Lord chased them away from bridge. Apparently, not all the window-dressers are namby-pambies.

Mood: Patient.

***

October 21, 3018

Catch up to Midget with Ring at last. Dimwit doesn't have enough sense to quit while he's ahead, as he races off on Elvish horse. Angmar uses Force to push horse over, which lets rest of this group catch up. Midget gets up and takes off again, so we give chase.

(Note: Smack Uvatha for humming "Bonanza" theme as we ride.)

Midget makes it past others (roadblock idea is lame) and crosses river. Angmar gives him the Creepy Voice treatment, and Midget mouths off. Angmar Forces him into shutting up, and we all start to cross river for the pick-up. Notice river sounds change, but Angmar too intent on Midget to notice. Look to left, and see GIANT WALL OF WATER about to fall on us. As it hits, I can feel my armor rusting already. Horses have a one-way ticket to a glue factory. Gonna be a LONG trip back to Mordor. Boss is going to be pissed.

Still, the "white horses out of foam" thing was a nice touch.

Mood: Not Happy, and Very Soggy.

End of Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

Part II

November 16, 3018

All Riders are extremely grumpy. Crossing snow-covered mountains with no cloaks and no horses will do that. Forgot how drafty Mountains can be. Angmar took the one surviving horse, and is supposedly headed home, though I'd consider a new career if I were him.

Decide to take shortcut through old Dwarf-camp. Mountain Orcs smart enough to let us through, after tossing a couple to the grabby monster in the lake. A couple of rooms smell like dead dwarf, but no time for fumigation. Get through without much trouble, though skinny bridge near the exit makes me nervous. Currently heading north to Dol Guldur. Boss is waiting for a report, and the delay will just make him crabby.

Mood: Freezing kiester off.

aa

December 4, 3018

Arrive at Dul Guldur, and find Boss even crankier than expected. Clearly, Angmar has made it home. Boss berates us for 2 hours and 45 minutes. Hate being berated more than being shushed. Ordered to get back to Mordor ASAP, as flying monsters are done hatching, and "we gonna quit screwing around." Definitely still in trouble, but punishment delayed for now.

Get fresh horses, and prepare to haul it back home. Threaten to punch Uvatha if he hums anything on the way.

Mood: Not Happy.

aa

December 25, 3018

Merry Christmas, Middle-Earth. No presents, unless you count the stuff from my horse. I hate working on Holidays.

Mood: Definitely Not Happy.

aa

December 30, 3018

Arrived back at Barad-Dur. Hard to tell, but Uvatha has black eye. I really hate The Village People.

New armor much more menacing. This is more like it. Checking out winged beasts. Ready to go out and spread some mayhem…and find out part of our punishment is staying close to home for now. In a nutshell, we're glorified Border Patrol. Starting to think Angmar didn't tell Boss the whole story about what happened at the river.

Mood: Annoyed, but not at all Surprised.

aa

January 1, 3019

Happy New Year, Middle-Earth. I hope you all have hangovers.

Mood: Not Happy.

aa

January 7, 3019

Finally, new orders. I'm being sent to Sarn Gebir to meet with an Orc. Apparently, the Midgets, Rangers, and Wizards have teamed up, and are doing something we probably won't like. Information sketchy at best…this is starting to feel familiar. At least I get to fly this time.

However, I'll spend at least the first day wondering who I've managed to irritate.

Mood: Busy.

aa

January 9, 3019

Dwar makes a quick fly-by over Eregion. Gets in major trouble from Boss, as he left "before Simon Said." Starting to wonder if this Ring thing has finally pushed the Boss over into strait-jacket territory.

Get to make fun of Dwar, so the trip isn't completely wasted.

Mood: Amused.

aa

January 14, 3019

Bored out of my MIND. Got orders, but not allowed to leave yet. This "Simon Says" game is getting old. Starting to re-read Galadriel's Secret catalogs for the product descriptions.

Angmar busy lining up his Mickey Mouse parade…oops, Huge Host for assault on Gondor. Wish he'd quit rubbing it in.

Mood: Irritated.

aa

January 26, 3019

"Simon" finally said. About freakin' time. Road trip to Sarn Gebir. Flying over Dead Marshes very relaxing. Meet up with Orc in Evening. Find out party of Men and Midgets came through Dwarf-camp a couple of weeks ago, led by Pyro-boy from the hill. Pyro-boy gets into it with a Balrog, and does a swan dive into a chasm. (What did I say about that skinny bridge, huh?)

Orcs lost a few people, and are taking it personally. Relay orders to keep all jewelry after killing Midgets, feed him a treat, scratch behind his ears, and send him on his way. Too bad about that litterbox thing…

Mood: Resigned.

aa

February 24, 3019

I don't know who's ticking me off more, Window-Dressers or Midgets. Flying over river, minding my own business, when winged beast shot out from under me. As I look up to see who I'm gonna get for this, I realize there are floating lumps in the river. Eyesight not great, but sense of smell off the charts: Smells like Midgets, Elves, Men and Hairy Midgets, probably in Elf Cloaks. I'd kill them now, but I don't have the time. Gotta haul it back to Mordor for a new ride. Figures, just when I get this one housebroken…

Item of interest: Interesting lump with eyes behind Boats. Reason to believe it's Icky Midget. Not sure what he's doing here, but willing to bet it's going to be unpleasant for somebody. Good.

Mood: Not Happy.


	3. Chapter 3

Pt III

March 2, 3019

Boss thoroughly cranky about losing beast. Of the Nine, I'm now the only one on Border Patrol. Take a quick flight over Dead Marshes. All quiet except for brief shriek at one point. Sounds vaguely Mannish, but most people aren't dumb enough to go this way, and those who are wind up permanent residents.

Sneaky Wizard starting to make Boss upset. Someone's going to have to check things out soon.

Mood: Curious.

****

March 5, 3019

New assignment. Apparently Boss has been keeping tabs on Sneaky Wizard with his Elvish Eight-Ball contraption, and nobody's picking up when he calls anymore. Time to go sort out what's going on. Apparently, I get to play MT&T Eight-Ball repairman.

Flight mostly dull, except for a fly-by on a human camp. Pyro-Wizard possibly ID'ed, but I don't have time to play.

Finally arrive at Sneaky Wizard's place…which has been converted into a Botanical Garden/Waterpark. Looks like SW should have quit picking on the trees. Oh, well. Saves us the trouble of smacking him around later. Not sure where the Eight-Ball is, and don't really care. I'm going home.

Mood: Indifferent.

***

March 9, 3019

Not going home after all. Turn right back around, and get sent to make faces at Gondor Capital. (Angmar, I'll get you for this.)

Mood: Not Happy.

***

March 13, 3019

Big fight at the river. Humans taking on all the Orcs in the world. Orcs win. End of fight.

One rider running for Gondor Capital. Ren, Dwar, Khazum, Hoarmurath and I take turns trying to catch him. Khazum almost gets him, but gets a good ZAP from (wouldn't you know it?) Pyro-boy. Trying to figure out when he got here.

Rider and Wizard escape, but we're bringing a whole bunch of Orcs for this party. Pretty sure Gondor knows things are going badly for them. Amuse ourselves by doing fly-bys and yelling "Yo Mama" jokes. Much more menacing in Black Speech.

Mood: Smug

***

March 14, 3019

Both Armies ready. Orcs using enemy heads as catapult ammo. Could be worse: could be trying to get a decent kickball game going again.

Would really like to get off this beast for a while. Armor chafes.

Mood: Itchy.

***

March 15, 3019

Busy freakin' day. Start off with Delicate Lock Pick technique on Capital's Main Gate. Fairly effective.

Pyro-Boy there waiting (how does he DO it?!), and Angmar runs to go get back-up. Horse-masters have also decided to show up, so we're all too busy. Angmar's going to have to man up. Boss calls some of us back to Mordor…something seems off. Starting to think someone's dumb enough to try and break in. Send Orcs to check all passages, nooks, crannies, corners, roads, sewers, gutters, etc...Ren finds Spider tower in bad shape…dead orcs, broken alarms. Had sent reports of captured Midget, bitten by Spider, but suspect has left.

And as a Bonus: Uvatha gets here in late PM…Angmar defeated. Battle of Gondor Capital lost. Gondor 1, Mordor 0.

Not looking forward to auditioning new Member after war is over. For that matter, not sure who's Head Wraith now.

(Note to self: Smack Uvatha for singing "Ding, Dong, The Witch-King's Dead." You'd think he'd learn by now.)

Mood: Tired

***

March 19, 3019

The Gondor folks are coming, looking for a rematch. We watch them from above. They are SOOO owned.

Mood: You figure it out.

***

March 25, 3019

Gondor Army has shown up. Not the most confident bunch I've ever seen. Just as we're all about to get busy, get EMERGENCY MESSAGE from Boss: MIDGET HAS RING IN VOLCANO. RETRIEVE IMMEDIATELY.

Didn't see that one coming.

ADDENDUM: Final Entry. Hope whoever finds this learns something. Everything we knew was wrong…Midgets in volcano, and Ring has been destroyed. Since our rings were connected to that one, my ring is now worth about 24.95 at the nearest pawn shop. Winged beast has crashed into the ground, and I can see the Tower going down, kind of like my career. Don't think I'll last much longer, if BOILING LAVA has anything to say about it. Hated that volcano for a reason. Will chuck this in Sea of Nurn, and hope it gets found.

Uvatha has crashed not far away. Can be heard saying "I'm melting, oh, what a world, what a world…" Don't have the energy to hit him one last time.

Take comfort in two thoughts: One, I don't have to do the Scary Bad Guy bit anymore, and Two, Angmar went first, taken out, so I'm told, by a midget and a girl.

Good riddance. You all suck, anyway.

Mood: Happy.


End file.
